


Corny

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Post Avengers (Movie), Unicorns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-13
Updated: 2013-01-13
Packaged: 2017-11-25 08:01:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/636795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Steve is a virgin, and there are unicorns.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Corny

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Единорожки](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8307283) by [faikit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/faikit/pseuds/faikit)



(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

The Avengers were accustomed to handling all sorts of creatures, but the latest situation was nothing they'd ever been trained for.

"Tell me again, why is Reed Richards? I mean, honestly, there should be something in the laws of nature forbidding his existence," Iron Man said as he buzzed Central Park, circling the bright pink...airpool? voidpool? dimensionalpool?... whatever... "And here comes another one," he said as a shining white figure leaped out of the pink haze to land on the now slightly churned up grass of the park.

"That makes six, by my count," Natasha said into the com link. She sounded frustrated. 

"Mr. Richards assures me that this portal is an unprecedented scientific opportunity," Bruce said. He didn't sound as if he agreed.

"Uh huh." Tony swung a little lower. "So why isn't _he_ here studying how to get them back where they belong?"

"He got kicked in the ass," Clint put in. He was standing at the main entrance to the park, bow in hand, but not shooting. Each of the entrances closest to the portal was guarded by either an Avenger, SHIELD personnel, or police officers. 

"At least they have good taste," Iron Man said as he came in for a landing next to Captain America who was standing on a boulder. "So, what's the plan?"

"We're waiting on Thor. He said his people once knew how to handle these creatures." Steve frowned.

Tony opened his faceplate and grinned at Steve. "Not 'creatures'. Come on, say it."

"No."

"Really, white horses with long, shiny, white horns, one apiece. You can say it."

"Fine." Steve sighed. "They're unicorns. What does it matter what we call them? They're here, and they're holding children hostage."

"Oh, that's a bit strong. The kids ran to the 'pretty horsies' and they're having a ball climbing all over them. The unicorns are gentle as lambs with them."

"And every time a parent tries to get close, they get threatened with those long, shiny, _sharp_ horns! Someone's going to get hurt, Tony. I don't want to have to kill the unicorns, but we can't risk them suddenly turning on the children."

"Do you have _any_ idea the bad press we'd get for snuffing unicorns? Besides, you're our secret weapon, Cap!"

"What?" Steve looked at Tony. "What are you talking about?"

"For an artist, you have a sad lack of mythological background. You may want to turn off your com for this, Steve."

Steve narrowed his eyes, but he said, "We're going on comm silence for a minute." and then clicked off his comm. "So, what is my secret superpower, Stark?"

"Last names again? Fine, fine. You know why the unicorns like the kids, but not their parents? They have an affinity for virgins."

Steve blinked. "That's... how would they even _know_?"

Tony shrugged, which didn't look like much in the Iron Man suit. "Absolutely no idea. Since they seem just as gentle with boys as girls, it's not gender-based, just purity, innocence, chastity, all that sort of thing."

"Maybe it's just that children are small, and non-threatening." Steve looked uncomfortable.

"Mmmmaaaybe." Tony grinned. "But if it turns out we need a virgin to lead them back into the portal?"

Steve sighed. "You're not going to let up on this, are you? Why is it such a big deal?"

"It's not. If it's what you want, that is. But if it's... I don't know, inertia, celebrity status making you doubt people's motives, feeling that you missed the boat and it's too late now... well, I think you should overcome the obstacles. I believe in LOVE! Or at least, you know, consensual pleasure between adults." Tony looked at Steve. "The world doesn't need Captain America 24/7, you have a right to a personal life, which includes sex, if you want it. Just my two cents worth, you're old enough to decide what you want, and to go for it. If you haven't already gone for it, in which case this whole conversation is not pertinent to the present crisis and I'll extract my foot from my mouth."

Steve sighed again. "All right. Yes, _if_ someone with those particular qualifications is needed, I can do it."

Tony slapped Steve on the back, which staggered him a bit. Iron Man could be heavy-handed. "All right, I win the bet." He hastily added, "The bet I didn't make...because you know, that would have been rude."

"Can we get back to the unicorns, now, please?" Steve turned his comm link back on. "Anything happening?"

Clint said, "I see Thor. He'll be here any second."

"Good." Steve turned to Tony. "Iron Man..."

"I know," Tony said as his faceplate slid back down, "watch the pretty horsies." Iron Man rose on his repulsors and returned to circling over the children-covered unicorns.

Thor hammer-coptered down next to Steve. "Captain, I have found the answer, I believe."

"You believe?"

"The records were very old, and written in an archaic, overly poetic, form of language." Thor held up a sheet of thin gold, etched and embossed with symbols. "There are a few words whose meaning are not entirely clear. 'To obtain the obedience of the single-horned beast, a harness--- the word has several meanings, in this case the scribes feel it likely a halter or bridle is meant, but a simple rope would suffice-- of purest gold must be harnessed about the neck by one who is of full growth, but still ---' Thor frowned at the sheet. "This word is not clear, no matter, it goes on to say, 'and thus possesses the quality of childhood which is most easily lost and least regretted.' Whatever that may be." 

Iron Man had been listening in over the comms, as had all the Avengers. "The Captain knows!"

Steve said sharply, "Iron Man, can you get gold rope?"

"Sure thing. Be right back!" Iron Man did an unnecessarily flashy pivot-twirl and flew in the direction of Stark Tower.

Thor leaned his hammer against the boulder and looked at the children swarming over the unicorns. "They are far more attractive than bilgesnipe," he said. "It is just as well that they be returned from whence they came." He looked at Steve. "The Metal One spoke as if he already knew the information. Why then, was I dispatched to Asgard?"

"Tony... didn't have all the information. Just... most of it."

"Ah. So, you have this quality?"

"Yeah. Not that I particularly want it. It's not as easily lost for everyone." Steve leaned on his shield and watched the children. Some of them were braiding the unicorns' manes. "I bet Tony lost it a long, long time ago."

"Well, then perhaps he can advise you!" Thor grinned cheerfully at Steve.

Steve coughed. "Would you mind guarding one of the park entrances, Thor?"

"Of course!" Thor strode rapidly away.

***

"Tiffany, eat your heart out," Iron Man said as he landed next to Captain America, shining gold loops around his left arm. "I made one for each, wasn't sure if it'd be safe to try to take them off once you order them into the portal. So, go out there, Cowboy Bob, rope 'em an' ride 'em, or at least bon voyage 'em." He handed Steve one of the ropes. "They're kinda awkward, didn't have time to get fancy, so I'll come with you and hold the rest."

"They'll attack you."

"Eh, can't hurt me in the armor. And I'll be right behind your untarnished purity shield, so you can keep me safe."

Steve did not sigh. But it looked like he wanted to. "Are you _ever_ serious?"

"As seldom as possible. C'mon, you like the unicorns, go put rings on 'em!"

They approached the unicorns slowly. Steve held out the loop of gold and Iron Man walked behind him as quietly as several hundred pounds of metal around another hundred and fifty or so pounds of billionaire could manage. They were still some distance away when the herd noticed them. The ones that had been lying down stood up, shaking gently to make the children let go. The ones who had been walking with children on their backs sat on their haunches to make the children slide off. Then all six of the unicorns approached them. Their eyes were opened wide and very dark.

"Hello," Steve said. He held out the loop of gold. "Don't be afraid. I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to send you home."

The unicorns pinned their ears back, reared up and charged, all six horns aiming straight for Steve's heart.

"Holy shit!" Iron Man shoved Captain America to one side, and raised his hands. "STOP!"

And the unicorns did. They stood there, gazing at him. Their ears went up.

"Huh. Well, they're calm. Try again," Tony said, standing still and keeping the repulsors aimed at the unicorns.

Steve took a step toward them, and the ears went back, and the horns realigned at him. "You know, Tony. I get the feeling this isn't working the way we'd planned. You try it."

"That's ridiculous. I'm not..." Iron Man looked at the children watching. "I'm not unicorn-tamer material. Obviously." The nearest unicorn stretched out its neck toward him and gave a soft, musical whinny.

"Look, I don't care _why_ they like you. Just do it, all right?"

The unicorns stood as docile as hand-raised lambs while Tony put the ropes around their necks and led them to the portal. "Go on, now. Shoo." And they obeyed. The moment the last one was through, the portal shrank to a dot and blipped out of existence.

Tony took off his helmet and ran his hand through his hair. The other Avengers came in ahead of the crowd of worried parents rushing to reunite with their children. "Hey, Tony," Clint said as they reached him and Steve, "is there something you want to share with us?" He grinned. "At the circus we had a unicorn for a while-- ok, it was a one-horned goat, but we read up on the legend for the spiel."

Tony rolled his eyes and started walking to the exit, with the rest of the Avengers. "Don't believe all the legends you read. I think they just liked bling." He waved at himself in the Iron Man suit. "Thor, I hate to say it, buddy, but I think your unicorn manual needs updating. They must have changed since your people last saw them."

"That is possible, I suppose," Thor admitted, good-naturedly. 

"Or maybe the word you couldn't make out explained it," Steve said.

"Perhaps." Thor turned to Clint. "You have the eyes of a hawk. Perhaps you can read where I failed."

Clint looked at the sheet of gold. "I don't read Asgardian, Thor, sorry."

"Ah! I shall lend you my Allspeak for this purpose." Before Clint could protest, Thor slapped his palm against Clint's forehead.

"OW! Don't _do_ that," Clint said. He looked at Natasha. "What color are my eyes?"

"They're fine." She patted him on the shoulder. 

Thor said something in sincere gibberish and waved the sheet at him again. Clint blinked. "Ok, I see, I'll read it and then you get back your Allspeak." He looked at it. "Huh. 'Ingenuous.' That's it?"

"You must have read it wrong," Tony said. "Ingenious! That's what it has to be."

"Ingenuous," Thor said, apparently having got back his Allspeak translator. "That is childish, is it not?"

"No, no, no," Tony said. "I totally, absolutely am not a child. Hey, let's go to McDonalds. I feel like a Happy Meal. Do you know, last year they tried to pass a bill banning toys in fast food?"

Bruce said, "I heard about that. Someone with deep pockets undercut that campaign, didn't they?"

"Rumors," Tony said airily, "I never listen to them."


End file.
